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We Used to Love Each Other So Much!

In the algebra of the Being, two incomplete people

who decide to marry do not make a whole,

but a squared incompleteness!

The School for Gods


The number of divorces in Turkish society has grown over 80% in the last 10 years, following the general trend of all western societies. There is a divorce each minute. Couples fight more and it is less and less common for divorces to be accomplished by mutual consent.

Kramer vs. Kramer

In 1979 this American drama film adapted from the novel by A. Corman – telling the story of a married couple’s divorce and its impact on everyone involved, including the couple’s young son – won all five major Academy Awards and became the emblem of a modern phenomenon of alarming social proportions in all western world.

In Turkey, in particular, the divorce rate has risen rapidly in the last decade. According to the Prime Ministry Family Research Council, divorce has affected 1.5 million people during this same period. The record holding year for the marriages which ended badly is 2010 with over 120.000 divorces.

In spite of the discouraging number of marriage wrecksthe number of young people who decide to get married grows steadily year after year. In the last quarter of 2010, 175.711 people got married and 23.527 got divorced.

What makes this phenomenon worse is that the couples not only fight more, but in the end, they are left holding grudges, if we are to judge from the growing number of couples that, being incapable of reaching a consensual settlement, petition the family courts for a decision about the house, the money, and the children.

“We used to love each other so much”

According to the most recent survey of the State Ministry, 90% of those who have divorced live in cities, and made the decision to get married without anyone’s interference. They were solely responsible. They marry at an average age of 26 for him, and 23 for her, and the most common reason they give for taking such an engaging step is invariably: “we fell in love with each other”.

In spite of a strong motivation and determined attitude, most marriages end before the fifth year of living together. To be precise, 40% of them end between two and five years. Hence, to fall in love does not seem to be a solid predictor for a long lasting marriage.

As I have pointed out in “The School for Gods”, trying to penetrate deeper with my exploration of this special state of mind, “to fall in love” could be defined as a distortion of the being. The declaration of this threat, the signal for the fall which lies in wait behind every infatuation, is encoded in the English expression, and in other cultures’ idiomatic expressions, like ‘tomber amoureux’ in French. The phrases themselves wave a danger sign under our noses without anyone noticing. These expressions are used every day by millions of men and women without any of them being able to listen to the cry of alarm. A world outside of ourselves does not exist, if not as a reflection of ourselves. To fall in love with something, or someone outside of ourselves means forgetting ourselves – means becoming lost in the wanderings of a world of dependence. It means forgetting that one is the sole creator of his own personal reality.

Two halves do not make a whole

For an incomplete person, falling in love with someone is a reflection of one’s psychological fragmentation; it is becoming infatuated with a fragment of yourself, without being aware that he or she is you, and is fated to be you because you always meet yourself. You can only meet yourself.

The immaturity of the newlyweds will soon turn into misunderstandings, jealousy, arguments, regrets and recriminations. Marriage for two weak people means clinging to one another; they are two incomplete human beings who had deceived themselves into thinking that together they could complete each other and form a whole. In the algebra of the Being, however, the addition of two halves do not equal unity. Two incomplete people who decide to marry do not make a whole. The result of the union of two incomplete people is incompleteness – squared. Only integrity can love, and only those who have attained the totality of the Being can contain a sentiment as great as love in all its splendour.

What are the causes?

Immaturity, incompleteness, and fragmentation of the Being are certainly some of the main psychological reasons for the rising number of divorces. In trying to explore the divorce phenomenon at greater depth, however, we find that sex, and lack of sexual education, are also powerful factors in the increasing divorce rate. The sexual function has been degraded into an ephemeral activity that leaves the couple feeling even more dissatisfied, and even more incomplete.  A fragmented humanity has distorted sexual function, turning a relationship with a partner into dependence, and sexuality into a pretext for oblivion and further dependency. Sexual desire influences our choice of a partner, as hundred other choices which might give meaning to our life. In a conscious or, more frequently, unconscious way people have placed sex at the centre of their existence without ever guessing that it is only a distant glimpse of a forgotten ecstasy: the unity of Being! Sex, like the appetites for food and sleep, requires attentive management, and a capacity for governance that humanity has forgotten. Man looks outside himself for freedom, happiness and love but his journey is not external. It is an inner adventure – the journey back to the unity of Being.

Ethical DNA

Past generations assimilated, in the family and in the school, the practice of a fundamental virtue that the classic age called Pietas – the moral architrave on which  rested the ethical universe and the very destiny of the Roman Empire.
Pietas through the centuries until the Renaissance, and further, meant for our forefathers the sense of duty towards the state, towards the family, and towards oneself.

Right before our eyes we see how far the younger generations have strayed from these moral guidelines. Official surveys reveal the overall picture of youth – totally absorbed by TV and pub-life, by music and cell-phones, and incapable of planning for and believing in their future.  The state, religion and family have long since stopped representing points of reference for our youth. Schools and universities do not even appear among the first ten items listed in the classification of institutions and people to whom young people look for their guidance.

The ethical DNA of our civilization has undergone a profound change. The value of the Pietas, once the central element of our system of moral values, is now dried up and degraded in false philanthropy. Everyone wants to do for others, and nobody knows how to do for himself.  It is blatantly absurd that while there are an overabundance of humanitarian organizations and millions of volunteers, on the other side of the equation, the family breaks up and the relationship between husband and wife embitters.

A foolish competition

With the dissolution of the Pietas - the corner stone of the moral structure transferred to us by our forefathers – we have lost the capacity to give attention towards our partner, care and tenderness for the children, and responsibility for old parents, and have replaced these with immature attitudes, like the desire to prolong our own adolescence, and to be young at any cost in a foolish competition with one’s own children and the youth in general – envying them, imitating them, and disorienting them.

There exists something more than love, and it shows in the way that a couple separates. Responsibility does not end with the end of love – it goes beyond. A marriage relationship which ends can be refined and become stronger, more intense, and truer. With the elimination of compromises, without legal bindings and social conventions, divorced partners can finally be sincere friends. To separate bearing no grudge is the attitude of mature people, who belong to a superior state of Being.